Four Short Letters

The following are four short letters I would love to be able to send:

Dear Blogspot People,
It sucks that I switched to your "beta" and now have to sign in EVERY TIME even though I click the "remember me" box. You guys suck! What part of "remember me" do you NOT UNDERSTAND?
geewits

Dear Mr. President,
Please do not give press conferences during my soap or on Wednesday mornings.
geewits

Dear Collection Agency People,
I have told you 5000 times that the girl with my same first initial and last name is not here. I do not know her. I have never even met a person who owns a handbag store. Please stop calling.
geewits

Dear Spam Generator people,
How do you live with yourselves? I have to assume you are Catholic and receive absolution once a week.
geewits

And now for something completely different:

My latest SPOONERISM was so off the wall I'm not even sure if it qualifies. I was coming out of my closet (LOL not in THAT sense!) and I reached over to push the door closed and the edge of the door smacked into my right elbow on the intense spot. I said out loud, "Ow! I phoned my bunny!" I think I laughed about that off and on for 3 hours.

And I remembered an old one. The radio station I listen to late at night is currently running ads for "Warming Hut Ski Shop." The first time I drove by one of their stores (about 14 years ago) I thought it said "Warning! Hot Ski Shop."

Yeah I know, it's surprising I can even tie my own shoes.

Happy Thanksgiving

I Didn't Do My Homework

I didn't really have any preconceived notions about having a blog. I thought it would be fun to have a place to jot down random musings, maybe have an exchange of ideas with like-minded and not so much like-minded peoples. I didn't really put a lot of thought into it. Until I read BuddhaCab's "Mission Statement." Then I felt like the kid in school with no books that forgot the assignment. This is his mission statement:


Buddha Cab Mission Statement
This website is my entry into the interactive web publishing blogging phenomenon. The idea behind this blog is to present my experiences as a New York City cab driver, from my perspective as a yogi and Buddhist. (I have to say I’d been contemplating doing something like this when a passenger last week told me about Melissa P.’s blog “New York Hack.” Upon surfing over there and enjoying reading her posts, I decided to go ahead and set this blog up.)
WordPress recommends being clear on the mission for your blog. So this first post will set out my intentions for this site, at least as I see them now.


What am I going to do with this?
It’s an online journal of my experiences as a cab driver
It’ll journal my reflections on my life and the world as I see it


Who is going to read this?
Family, friends, who knows? Should be interesting to find out.
What kinds of information will I be posting?
Journal entries
Links to Buddhist and Yoga stuff
Links to similar cab blogs


Why am I doing this?
To have an outlet for my writing (being the world’s most blocked writer as of now)
Learn more web stuff (I know a little HTML and CSS, and hopefully I’ll know a little more and maybe some PHP before this is all said and done)
Participate in the web publishing, open-source revolution (why not, it’s pretty cool)


Who am I doing this for?
Myself, of course. Also family, friends, and like-minded people who might enjoy any of this.


How often am I going to be posting and adding information?
The plan is to post a couple of times a week

I once wrote a mission statement for an actual company. I had fun with it because I like to play with words. (I just checked their website and I'm pretty sure it's still what I wrote word-for-word.) The concept of having to have a mission statement for your blog seems a lot like work to me. I didn't come here to work. That's why I have a basic template. I'm actually a graphic artist. I know you are surprised! I think if I started personalizing my site with my own work I would end up spending HOURS AND HOURS on it. I decided right away not to do that. I may someday though, who knows?

So I was looking at the list of the questions BuddhaCab had and I figured my answers would go like this:

What am I going to do with this? I don't know


Who is going to read this? I don't know


What kinds of information will I be posting? I don't know


Why am I doing this? I don't know


Who am I doing this for? I don't know


How often am I going to be posting and adding information? I don't know


Now I know how Rudy Boesch from "Survivor 2" felt in that one challenge: he answered "I don't know" for every single question! We laughed and laughed. I love to laugh. And basically that's my goal in life, so I guess maybe that's my real "mission."

My Superpower

In lots of blogs and memes people are asked "What superpower would you choose?" Most people say things like:
The ability to fly
The ability to become invisible
The ability to read minds

A couple of weeks ago I realized which superpower I would choose: Impervious Teeth

Yes, I would be Impervious Teeth Girl. Maybe I could be called SuperTooth. Can you imagine what a lovely life one would have with impervious teeth? No dentists ever. And maybe you couldn't save the planet, but you could do a lot with impervious teeth. You would never need a knife. In a worst case scenario I suppose you could bite a bad guy's arm off. Actually with impervious teeth, you could grab their gun and chew it up. I'm unsure on the mechanics, though. Would chewing through a bullet with impervious teeth cause it to explode? That wouldn't be good for the rest of my head, although it wouldn't harm my teeth.

I don't understand why human teeth are so pathetically fragile. I love God as much as the next guy, but let's face it, when it comes to teeth, we were pretty much cheated. There's not another part of our body that we have to work so hard just to maintain. I mean if you ignored your left hand for 10 years, the worst outcome would be grotesque fingernails. Ignore your teeth for ten years? I'm not a dentist but I imagine the outcome would be VERY bad.

So that's my secret wish: To have impervious teeth. Maybe in 100 years someone will make that a possibility for everyone.

Decorating Mistakes

I'm an HGTV fanatic. Around Halloween they did a show called 25 Biggest Decorating Mistakes. I sat there engrossed, judging myself by their pronouncements. Here's how I did:

#25 - toilet rugs. And by this they meant the cut out ones. I passed. I haven't had one of those in probably 10 years.

#24 - too many photos. Okay. I am a LITTLE bit guilty of this one, so I have been pulling some.

#23 - ignoring the foyer. I call it the entryway and I love mine and it even has a theme. So, Not Guilty.

#22 - undressed cables. Guilty. It's the big TV. In a half-open corner. Yep.

#21 - out-of-place themes. Well, for this one they show a bedroom and what they mean is like a Miami style bedroom in Minnesota or a Southwestern themed house in Vermont. I DO have a beach themed bathroom here in North Texas. Because I can.

#20 - outdated accessories. According to their description I am good. (Old cabinet hardware and stuff like that.)

#19 - lopsided furniture arrangements. This one was funny because I HATE lopsided furniture arrangements. I usually rearrange the furniture in hotel rooms.

#18 - keeping something you hate. Do people really do this?!?

#17 - too formal. Okay that just made me laugh. Well, chuckle anyway.

#16 - uncomfortable dining chairs. Not guilty (probably has something to do with #17)

#15 - lack of traffic pattern. Also not a problem or the cats would run into things during their high-speed chases.

#14 - everything matches. Okay my bedroom was getting close to that so I fixed it a year or so ago.

#13 - following fads. Not guilty. At all.

#12 - furniture that doesn't fit. I think I'm okay here too.

#11 - too many colors or patterns. Aw hell no! I hate that! That would have been my #1!

#10 - floating rugs. After I fell 4 feet to the ground I threw out my floating rug. Okay, it means just sitting in the middle of a room with nothing on it. I don't have one of those.

#9 - improper lighting. Okay my kitchen could use some help here but I don't see how punching holes in the ceiling and doing electrical work falls under the category of DECORATING.

#8 - frames hung too high. This also made me laugh. I have actually harassed people to let me lower their pictures.

#7 - tacky couch covers. I've never used one. Get a new couch.

#6 - pushed back furniture. Not guilty, except in the bedroom, because that would just be weird.

#5 - ignoring windows. GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! I am allergic to dust and curtains are dust farms. It's very easy to vacuum the mini-blinds. But I don't IGNORE my windows. I use them every day.

#4 - fear of color. Not guilty, although I do not like homes that are TOO colorful. Anyway, except for the guest room, most of my stuff is green.

#3 - knickknack overload. Not guilty. I'm just not a knickknacky kinda person.

#2 - too many pillows. Again not guilty. I hate when they show a couch covered with pillows. What, like only Calista Flockhart and Nicole Richie can sit there?

#1 - fake flowers. I had a slight problem with this until they said dried flowers were good, because I have dried eucalyptus. Also I do have two large red silk flowers in my guest room. They are sitting by a black and white photo that I made. It is a nun crypt in New Orleans. I made the photo back and white and then colorized the flowers sitting in front a bright crimson. I think it looks cool. And anyway, I don't think this should have been #1 (#11 should have been #1!!).

What would be your #1 decorating mistake? LOL. I don't mean that YOU do, I mean that OTHERS do, because THEY are the ones who are wrong.

My Latest Spoonerisms

These are just the ones I remember (I'm sure there have been more):

As we were getting ready to watch the third game of the World Series, I said, "Oh! Now that they are playing in St. Louis, does the mean we get to see the pitter's batch?"

My Sweetie was thinking about going to Barnes & Noble. He asked if there were any particular book I wanted. I said, "You already asked me that last week, and I told you to get it for me for Christmas." Of course, he had no idea what I was talking about so I was a little irritated and I said, "I told you I wanted a book on North Mysology!" After I said that I wondered if mysology was actually a word. It's not but this is:

mi·sol·o·gy
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek misologia, from misein + -logia -logy: a hatred of argument, reasoning, or enlightenment

Yeah, I don't need a book about THAT. This last spoonerism happened tonight. It came out kind of gross. Rufus the crazy cat was going berserk over something but I couldn't see what he had. I asked My Sweetie, "What is he going so nuts over?" MS said, "It's a twist tie." I said, "Well I guess that's okay as long as he doesn't poke a tongue in his hole."

Oh and next time I am arguing (debating?) with someone who seems particularly dense, I'm going to sweetly say, "Wow! You're quite the misologist!"

No Gaydar

I was pretty surprised to read today that Neil Patrick Harris is gay. When I was young I had absolutely no Gaydar. I remember once, when I was back home, asking about various people. I said "How about B.B.?" My friends said, "You didn't know? He died of aids several years ago in San Francisco." I said, "Was he gay?" and they all laughed at me. In junior high school I had such a crush on this guy and he would not give me the time of day. Of course, I just thought I wasn't cute enough for him. The only guy I ever thought was gay in high school was at our 20 year reunion and I'm pretty sure I was right on that one. I had another instance when I was about 21 of relentlessly pursuing a guy and still didn't realize until years later that he was gay. It's funny how when you think back on things everything is so obvious. So for some reason, in my mid twenties, I guess I was trying to make up for all the ones I had missed and then thought EVERYONE was gay. When I first met my second husband, I thought HE was gay. Ironically, after all these years I'm pretty sure I was right. My Mom always thought he was and my daughter thinks he is. He DOES fit the profile of someone that would NEVER act on it. He'll probably wait until his parents die to come out. I think that's sad.

One person that I did know was gay for years and years before he came out was Richard Chamberlain. That was so obvious to me. I'm not sure how he escaped the media attention. Or maybe no one cared. My favorite last hold out is Jodie Foster. I adore her. Several years ago I made my own dishwasher clean/dirty magnet using one of those magnetic business card things. One half is Jodie Foster and the other half is Pamela Anderson. We just turn it heads up to show the status of the dishes.

I've never understood the vitriolic hatred that exists for gay people. I've read the old testament part about men not laying (lying?) together, but in the same section it also says not to eat pork and not to have sex with someone outside of marriage. I find it hard to believe that all of the people who hate gays also don't eat pork and never had sex outside of marriage. And even if they did, what about the "judge not..." part of the bible? (Am I supposed to capitalize bible?) Years ago when Dolly Parton said, "I think gay people should be able to get married. Why can't they have to suffer like the rest of us?" I laughed my ass off. You'd think with the divorce rate being what it is, lawyers would have a PAC for gay marriage. More money for them.

Speaking of gay people, I was watching "Ellen" today and it was the first time I have ever seen her starstruck/flustered over a guest. It was Sandra Bullock. If I were Portia De Rossi, I would have been a little bit jealous. It was cute though.

Well there's no point to this post whatsoever, except maybe to say that in my years of gaydar/no gaydar I guess after Doogie Howser, I'm back to NO gaydar.

Regarding Halloween

Just so you don't get the wrong idea right off the bat, I'm no Halloween Grinch. Just the opposite: every year I decorate my little porch and dress up to give out GOOD candy. A few years ago I even dressed as the Cat in The Hat and spoke in rhyme to the kids. One year I wore an eye patch and it nearly gave me brain damage. I hope I never lose an eye. No more fun and games after that. Oh, I seemed to wander off the subject, which is this:

MY THREE SIMPLE RULES OF TRICK-OR-TREATING:

1) If you are an adult DO NOT come to my door carrying a 4 month old baby dressed in a cute little costume to collect candy. The baby will not remember the experience and the baby does not need candy. This only applies to people with an only child. If you have an actual real child that is trick-or-treating, feel free to bring along your cute little baby, but do not ask for candy for the baby.

2) If you are a kid that is taller than me, do not come to my house. If you are 5' 5" or taller, you are too old to trick-or-treat.

3) Say "Thank you" and mean it or I will put a wicked curse on your ass.

I'm not doing the spider webs this year. That's a lot of work and after a rain (and we always get one) it is a bitch to get that stuff out of the bushes. This year I'm just going to create an eerie feel on the porch using black crepe paper. And I'm going to have my gargoyle out on a pedestal. I'll take pictures. Well, if it looks cool.

Rufus and His Toys

It's funny that I've spent so much time browsing through PetCo to find creative toys for my cats. They really aren't that picky. Rufus will spend hours with a beer box. He makes quite a racket and he'll push the thing all over the house, but you can tell he's having a really good time. He also likes my cloth ponytail holders (or bands or rings or whatever they're called - my daughter calls them "hair thingies"). And I believe that I mentioned before that he loves an old terry cloth bathrobe belt. He really goes to town with it. He can get some serious feet action going with that thing.

A couple of months ago the cat toys were EVERYWHERE and I needed to vacuum. I grabbed the closest thing which was an empty Hefty Bag box and went all over the house picking up toys and putting them in the box. I set it out of the way in the bar room. Now we call it "the toy box." There's nothing cuter than watching Rufus paw through the toy box to pick out a toy. And like a kid, he takes things out, but never puts them back. And it's nice to have a place to put the toys when I vacuum.

Finding My Feet in 1979

For some reason I was thinking of an event from my senior year in high school. I posted over a year ago about events leading up to this particular moment here. (And apparently I did not proofread that post before publishing it.) I realized just today that one little snap decision pretty much set the stage of who I was going to be in the future. It's interesting to think that just 5 months in Texas changed me so much. Oh and also I had the day wrong. I graduated on a Tuesday, not a Monday. Tuesday, June 5th in fact. I know this because I looked at my diploma. I wonder why I didn't do that before?

So I graduated on Tuesday, passed out at (before) the party, packed in a huge hurry on Wednesday morning and caught a plane back to North Carolina. It was going to be a tight race for my friends to greet me at the airport. I don't remember the exact times now but everyone's last exam was to start about 2 1/2 hours before my plane landed. I was pretty nervous about seeing everyone. I had changed A LOT. I had somehow turned into a girl that got whistled at and flirted with on a constant basis. And I had a new sense of self. On top of seeing all of my guy friends and my high school boyfriend (known hereafter as HSB) I was going to meet my Dad's live-in girlfriend. I don't remember if I had a beer on the plane (everything was 18 back then) but I imagine I did. I was very excited AND nervous. The pilot was happy to announce that we had had strong tailwinds and were going to arrive 15 minutes early. I knew that wasn't good. Sure enough, there was no one to greet me when I stepped off the plane. I was carrying a very large teddy bear and a tennis racket and made my way to the luggage carousel.

I pulled my trunk and suitcase off the carousel and tried to figure out what to do. I couldn't carry all my things. Finally I decided to leave all my stuff and walk around looking for somebody, anybody that I knew. The first person I saw was Gary. It's one of my very favorite life memories. Gary was a really hot guy. He was just flummoxed when he saw me. He stopped dead in his tracks and said, "Geewits!! Is that you!?! Oh my God, you look great!" Wow. Probably the best airport greeting I will ever get. I told him where my stuff was and he ran to tell everyone where I was. After that it was chaos. I don't remember how many people came. There were either two or three cars full of people. Then an argument broke out about which car I would ride in until my Dad settled that. I was going to ride in HIS car. Then there was argument about who would ride with me. It was all funny and crazy and GREAT for my ego. I know my HSB and some other person rode in the backseat with me. My poor future step-mom was in the passenger seat and trying to figure out what the big deal was.

When we got back to my Dad's aprtment there were even MORE people waiting. It was a giant welcome home party. Here's how hectic it was: I remember searching for some time to try to show someone my high school diploma and finally giving up. I had already shown it to some people but could not find it. I remember later someone saying, "So what do you think about the baby grand piano in here?" I said, "There's a piano in here?" AND IT WAS A VERY SMALL APARTMENT. Well sure enough, there was a baby grand piano and my diploma was sitting on the music stand. That Wednesday was a blur of partying and catching up.

On Thursday I went with my HSB to the graduation rehearsal. I joined my homeroom peeps to say hi and catch up - our homerooms were kids grouped in alphabetical order for purposes of counting attendance. My old homeroom teacher didn't even realize I'd been gone. She told me to move back 8 spaces to be alphabetically correct. That cracked me up. I just stepped out of line and let them finish their stuff. The next day, Friday, was graduation. It was weird watching from the stands. At one point I got paranoid and thought, "What if someone doesn't know me that well, but recognizes me in the stands and thinks I couldn't graduate?" Yeah that was silly. Now for the weirdest part. My Dad had the graduation party at our apartment complex pool!! How weird is that? There was a band and about 4 kegs. That was the last party at that apartment complex pool. It was one GIANT party. At one point me and the HSB got in a huge fight about something. I hated that. In my wonderful 5 months in Texas I never argued with anyone.

Well anyway, now I had to pack again for Myrtle Beach. I talked previously about the end-of-the-school-year Myrtle Beach ritual here. My HSB was the only person in my high school gang that didn't have a car. His mother made an ultimatum: If he wanted to drive the car to Myrtle Beach he had to take the long way and visit his grandmother in Charlotte. Yes, Charlotte is NOT between Durham, N.C. and Myrtle Beach, S.C. So HSB's great plan was to leave Durham in the middle of the night after partying all day, drive until he couldn't take it anymore, find a cheap motel, sleep, and then drive to Grandma's house. So that's what we did. I will admit I have absolutely no memory whatsoever of the Grandma visit, but I know we did it. Then we hit the road for Myrtle Beach.

When you rented a cottage at Myrtle Beach, the term was Sunday to Sunday. So we were going to be there late Saturday afternoon with no place to stay, but HSB had information that a certain wealthy BMOC had a giant suite in the main hotel and was going to let anyone crash there Saturday night. I wasn't crazy about the idea. Well, we got to Myrtle Beach, found a parking spot and made our way to the hotel. We left all of our stuff in the car. Sure enough, we quickly found the suite. It was full of people. Lots of bong-passing ensued and there were lots of ice chests full of beer. I finally reached my limit and told HSB I had to take a nap. I stretched out on a bed and BOOM. I was out.

I woke up to a very quiet room. I looked around and there were about 6 or 7 people I didn't really know sleeping like babies. I grabbed a beer and stepped out onto the stairwell/balconey. The sun was low and there was a beautiful golden hue over everything. I was sipping my beer and looking out at the ocean. I felt very relaxed and peaceful. A guy named Peter I have known since junior high came up the stairs. He said "Hey! I heard there's a party up here." I said, "Nope. Everyone in there is asleep. I just woke up. I don't know where the party went." I could tell he was disappointed. We slipped in and got two more beers. We leaned on the railing outside looking at the ocean making idle chatter. Finally Peter said, "We've got a pretty cool house on the beach but it's a little ways down." I could tell he didn't think I would go. Yeah that was the OLD me. I said, "Really? Let's go!"

I had so much fun that night. All kinds of people kept showing up. We sat around the long kitchen table all night talking, drinking and playing poker. It wasn't my regular high school group but lots and lots of people I knew a little bit. I remember some people coming in and acting really freaked out that I was there. "Where's HSB?" they demanded. I just said, "I don't know. I woke up in BMOC's suite and he was gone." I was totally in the "you move you lose" mode. I realized then that I was just going to have fun and not sit around and wait for someone. I woke up the next morning in a room with two double beds. I was in one and a guy I'd known since 7th or 8th grade was in the other bed. I sat up and looked around trying to get my bearings. I guess Tom woke up about the same time. I said, "Oh my God, Tom B.! How are you doing? I didn't expect to see you!" It was a pleasant surprise. Peter heard us and came in. I asked if he had some shorts and a T-shirt I could borrow. I went into the bathroom, put on fresh clothes and they made me lunch. Peter was a great host.

A little later Peter drove me down to our cottage. HSB was not there, but all hell broke loose when I walked in. Apparently when HSB left me asleep in a room full of guys, he went out partying and then went swimming. He sliced his big toe open in the ocean and spent 3 or 4 hours in an emergency room. It was all "Where were YOU?" And you know what? I had no apologies. I woke up alone and went out to make my own fun. And I did.

And that's still who I am today.

Grammar Rants and Eggs

I did a post back in May about pronunciations, and word misusage. I feel kinda bad (hypocritical?) because in the last couple of months I realized that I am very lazy with my itses and whosits. I've just started to make a conscious effort to use "it's," "its," "who's" and "whose" correctly. I don't think I actually use a lot of sentences where "whose" is necessary, but I'm pretty sure I am adding that apostrophe to "its" the majority of the time. I will try to amend my ways. Maybe they should add an "e" to the end of "its" to make "itse," sorta how they did with "whose." As in "That cat near bout bit itse own tail off."

The reason I don't use spell-check: I originally stopped using spell-check almost as soon as I started this blog. It was reformatting my writing by deleting the spaces between paragraphs. I like my spaces. Since then I've realized that NOT using spell-check has made me smarter. If I'm unsure of a word, I look it up here. Also I read over my posts about 5 times before I post them and that gives me lots of time to make sure I am saying what I really want to say. Plus, overreliance on spell-check can make you look stupid. There is a lady with a pretty popular blog who claims to be a professional writer. And when I say "claims to be" I mean just that. She says she is, but as her blog is anonymous, there's no way to know for sure. Therefore, I'm not going to say she IS a professional writer, because I do not know that for sure. I'm just saying that SHE says she is. Anyway, here are some things I found on her blog recently:

"She told me that (person's name) likes to runaway."

"...minus the odor of booze oozing from her pours."

These are things that spell-check will not catch as they are legitimate words. But "runaway" as one word is a noun. And "pours, " well, that is a verb and not tiny holes in your skin. And "runaway" reminds me of another pet peeve: The misuse of "everyday" and "every day." I once saw that misused in a fancy ad section for Lane Bryant in Oprah's magazine. I think it said something like "Look your best everyday." I couldn't believe it! My background is in advertising and pre-press. I can't imagine how much that ad cost! How on Earth did a mistake like that slide by so many people? Also the professional writer lady used "sugar coat" but "sugarcoat" is all one word. That's one most people wouldn't notice and spell-check would never catch. Maybe she really is a professional writer and is used to proofreaders and editors doing all the work for her.

Now I want to make up something stupid so that "...minus the odor of booze oozing from her pours." can actually make sense:

I sat there with my shattered nose plugged and bandaged. As I watched the barmaid refill our mugs from our pitcher, my surroundings seemed normal minus the odor of booze oozing from her pours.

Odd cooking tip of the day: If you have trouble peeling boiled eggs, I have discovered the secret to a perfectly smooth egg. Do not look at or think about the egg. Ignore it completely. I discovered this a few months ago while watching some particularly riveting television. We have one of those cut outs over the kitchen sink that looks into the living room. I don't even remember what I was watching. I just know that suddenly I looked down and had a plate of peeled eggs with not a divot between them. Now I always use this method. If the TV is not on, I will look away and force myself to think about something else. If I look at or think about the egg, I will fuck it up. DO NOT LOOK AT THE EGG! Seriously, it works.

This Week So Far

At the State Fair!

Monday: The whole purpose of having My Sweetie take a half day off work during a weekday to go to the Texas State Fair is to AVOID THE CROWDS. Apparently Columbus Day is a major holiday in Texas and by major holiday I mean the day EVERYONE GOES TO THE FAIR. It was bedlam and chaos. My Sweetie was VERY proud of me that I didn't have a panic attack right away and want to leave. Actually it became a game to me to find bathrooms with no lines which I did every time after the first time - and that was near the entrance so I had no choice. We still had a good time and did most of the stuff we usually do. The Marilyn Monroe exhibit was very good and THAT bathroom was empty. The best part was the "Guess Your Age" guy guessed me at 39. The worst part was we didn't get to see the sheep dog exhibit, although I'm pretty sure it would have been the same as last year. And the year before that. And all the other times we've seen it.

Tuesday: We had to do the yearly Community Watch meeting out in the cul-de-sac. That's the type of thing I dread more than almost anything except maybe sitting in a large flourescent-lit waiting room. The good news was it got dark pretty quickly after we went out there. I'm cool beans in the dark. It was over pretty quickly and we thanked the police officer for his talk, snatched up our chairs and practically ran up the yard. I was jealous of the people that didn't come, but we live RIGHT NEXT DOOR to the sweet old WWII vet that organizes it.

Wednesday: Meals on Wheels added ANOTHER person to my route. I had only around 6 people all summer and now I have 11. I don't mind, but if they keep going at this rate I'll have 20 people by next month. I've mentioned before that we have "regular" clients and "diet" clients. The "diet" in this case does not refer to calories or fat grams but is diabetes/sugar related. The way my route is now, my first eight clients are regular and my last 3 are diet. I didn't realize until I got to the first diet house that I had 3 regular cookies left or I would have given out the extras. So I brought them home. This morning I dreamed that Meals on Wheels called me and asked if I had had extra cookies on Wednesday. I said "Yes, I brought them home." They said, "Well we need those back. You'll have to bring them in." I have the weirdest dreams.

Thursday: (Daytime Talk Shows Edition) I used to watch Dr. Phil every day at 3:00. At the beginning of the season last year I just couldn't take it any more. I found it very depressing that The Dr. Phil show was able to find an endless assortment of mean ignorant callous bullies. If you think about it that's what most of his guests are. Or pathetic doormat "victims." Yuck. Has the U.S. produced THAT MANY of these people? Again, yuck. So I started watching The Ellen Degeneres Show (or "Ellen" as most people call it). I thought it was a great show. Good stand-up at the beginning and lots of interesting guests and goofy skits (only the dancing part was kinda creepy). I was happy to have something fun to have on while I did my chores. Well, I don't know what happened but this year is terrible. Ellen seemed so full of joy last year, like she was genuinely having a good time. This year she seems to have a hard edge. She doesn't seem to be having fun at all and it feels like she is just going through the motions (or phoning it in). I hope she doesn't win the emmy again because she seems to be making no effort whatsoever. Oprah, on the other hand, seems more relaxed than ever. I'm grooving on the Tuesday road-trip episodes. Unless a guest I really like is on, Tuesday is about the only day I actually sit down and watch the whole show. Or if the topic is interesting. Lastly, I used to be a Rachel Ray fan. Now I know why "30 Minutes Meals" and "$40 a Day" were shows with just Rachel and a camera. I saw ONE episode of her new show and it was terrible. Okay maybe not terrible. More like horrible. She was manic and rude. She talked over (shouted over) anyone she was speaking to and running around like the set was on fire. I actually watched the episode that Oprah was on. Oprah is practically the owner of the show and she seemed subdued and shocked. I felt like I could see her thinking, "What the hell was I thinking? This is worse than Beloved."

On the other hand, I dedicated 4 hours today to a wonderful, savory beef stew. My daughter dropped by and decided to stay for dinner. She picked a good day. I'm looking forward to my leftovers for lunch tomorrow!

No Particular Topic

Does Jay Leno think people are stupid? He made a joke the other night about NBC scheduling "Friday Night Lights" on Tuesdays instead of Fridays. "Friday Night Lights" is about small town high school football. People who are into small town high school football can watch it because it's on Tuesdays because THEY ARE NOT HOME ON FRIDAYS BECAUSE THEY ARE AT THE FOOTBALL GAME. His comment didn't make any sense to me. And for no reason at all I'd like to state that I'm not into that sort of thing and I wouldn't watch the show on any day.

I'm really disappointed that "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" has falling ratings. It really is the best show on television. I gave it 5 stars for a reason. The other new shows we've watched:
"Jericho" 4 stars
"Heroes" 4 1/2 stars
"Smith" 1 star (we quit after two episodes)
"The Nine" ("The 9?") 3 1/2 stars

The other day I was talking about spoonerisms (ex: saying "I could not snop steezing!") Now I wonder if there is a word for physical spoonerisms. An example of this would be when you throw your spring-loaded toilet paper spool thingie in the trash and try to thread the empty cardboard from the old toilet paper into the new toilet paper roll. I've also tried to change the channel on the TV with the phone several times, although I have never tried to call anyone with the remote control.

I also realized today that I have probably never gone one full day without sneezing ("I could not snop steezing!"). Maybe when I was in Hawaii, but I'm not sure. I'm terribly allergic to house dust which is a Catch-22. If I don't dust, dust will accumulate. If I dust, even with a dust mask, I will feel sick and miserable for two days and go through a whole box of kleenex. One of the main components of house dust is human skin cell flakes. I KNOW I'm allergic to THAT because I have sneezing fits when I file my nails. I vacuum/dust a lot and that is better than cloth dusting, but it still makes my nose and eyes run. I also use Nasonex but am too goofy to remember to use it every day. Plus I think it costs about $500 an ounce. Well maybe not that much, but close. I guess I should just buy stock in Kleenex.

We are going to the Texas State Fair tomorrow (today? Monday after I wake up, anyway.) I love the state fair! My favorite part is the Creative Arts building. People submit all sorts of arts and crafts to win ribbons. There is always great photography and lovely quilts and everything in between. I usually spend a good deal of time in there. There will also be a Marilyn Monroe exhibit in the Women's Museum. My Sweetie doesn't like to ride rides but he promised me one haunted house ride (they have about 10 different haunted houses). I also always throw darts at balloons - I'm great at that! And squirting the water into the clown's mouth - always pick the one with the freshest balloon! Don't forget the junk food and the sheep dog exhibition! Woo Hoo!! I guess the state fair is my third favorite once-a-year event after Christmas and my birthday. On that note I should go to bed because I plan to be at the fair in 12 hours.
Weeeeeeeeeee!!

No Deep Thoughts

The Earth at Night

I was studying this picture of the Earth at night (and you can look at a much larger picture here). I was getting a lot of deep thoughts about the Earth and all of its inhabitants. Then I switched right over to the very simple thought, "Man! The U.S. sure does burn a lot of electricity at night!" And then THAT reminded me of something that happened many years ago. My second husband had a best friend named Gary. They really liked to get together at Gary's and jam on guitars, bass and whatever. I got along great with Gary. He was 10 years older than me and had served in Vietnam and told some fascinating stories about his experience - unlike a lot of Vietnam vets. What I mean by that is I've met a lot of vets that would not discuss their service AT ALL. Gary had all sorts of stories to tell. Granted he did not have a terrible job title like "search and destroy." His outfit cleared jungle for helicopters to land. Gary and his wife Karen were VERY close. They fell madly in love with each other at the age of 14. Two years later they wanted to get married and their parents would not hear of it (and this was Arkansas) so they got pregnant ON PURPOSE so they could get married. They had a son and two years later they had another son. Gary went off to Vietnam for two tours while Karen raised the two boys. By the time I met Gary and Karen, their sons were both in their early twenties and still living at home. They were a VERY tight family. They were such a tight family that when several years later, Gary and Karen were transferred to Iowa after a big company shake-up, both boys went to live with them along with their Texas wives.

But I need to get back to what I was talking about. We would visit G&K often enough - mostly for the guys to jam and once or twice to watch a movie. Karen was very old school and was mostly interested in serving snacks and making sure everyone had whatever they needed. She never chatted or made small talk. She would be quite talkative with her boys when they came through the house, but never had much to say to me or my husband. One day I decided that this lack of communication was my fault and decided to really engage Karen in a deep conversation. I turned to her and said, "I've always wondered, as women, if the children we have shape our personalities. Do you think that you turn out differently if you just have girls, just have boys, or have some of each?" I thought for sure this would start a long and deep conversation. She sat thoughtfully for several minutes, then turned to me and said, "Well, just having boys, you sure learn a lot about football."

Bops and Harley

Spoonerism: Function: noun
Etymology: William A. Spooner, died 1930, English clergyman & educator: a transposition of usually initial sounds of two or more words (as in tons of soil for sons of toil)

I do this so often that when I try to tell someone something that I said backwards, I will actually say it THE CORRECT WAY. I think I'm going to start writing them down. The latest one that I remember was when my rowdy new kitten was about to attack my feeble old cat and I yelled, "Don't you futchin' tuck him!" That one was a little more complicated than just switching the first sounds of the words - I actually switched the second sounds. Or middle? The only reason I bring this up, is because I always thought it was a mental glitch between my thought and my speech. Not so. The other day I had a spoonerism THOUGHT. I seriously did not know that was possible. I've always assumed it was a speech problem. Well, what happened was, I had had quite a few beers and when I peed it was, uhm, well rather rich smelling and I thought to myself, "Wow, smells like bops and harley." My first reaction was to laugh hysterically. My second thought was "Wow! I had a spoonerism in my THOUGHTS!" and my third reaction was "Damn! Who can I tell?" Because I generally do not discuss bodily functions with anyone except my daughter. Then I remembered I do talk about "Asparapee," which is what I call the weird smelling pee you have after eating asparagus. I also discuss peeing with airline employees as in "I really need an aisle seat because I WILL HAVE TO PEE." A LOT. On a three hour flight I will pee TWICE. I wish I had a video of myself, when stuck at a window seat, madly barreling past (over? through?) two sleeping seatmates. I will not be denied. Okay, that's probably the last time I will ever mention peeing on this blog. My next backwards thought came a few days later. I had sprayed X-14 in my shower. You're supposed to let it stand, but not too long as it can cause your caulk to break down. I was running around trying to finish up chores when I had that nagging thought in my head: What is it I'm supposed to be doing? Then I thought, "Oh yeah, I have to go rinse the X-Files."

Oh, Those Funny Celebs

EVERYTHING about this is funny, I have nothing to add. (from IMDB):

Singer Aaron Carter is engaged to Playboy Playmate Kari Ann Peniche, who previously dated his brother Nick. The 18-year-old proposed to Peniche on Saturday in Las Vegas, Nevada, while they were onstage in front of 200 people during the Playboy Comedy Tour at the Palms Casino Resort. She tells American publication People, "I'm very excited about it. Aaron is the most genuine person I know. He's kind, loving, and I love him so much." Peniche, 22, says she was shocked when Carter popped the question adding, "I had no idea he was going to do this, but I'm glad he did. I don't remember it happening. It was such a blur." The couple, who plan to wed in the next six months, hugged and kissed after Peniche accepted the proposal. Playboy tour producer and comedian Cort McCown says, "He said he was going to do it, but we thought he was kidding. He was really nervous." Peniche was named Miss Teen USA in 2003, but had to relinquish her title after posing for Playboy. Carter is set to star in a new reality show about his family, House Of Carters, which premieres next month on the American E! network

TV Talk

For several years there have been lots of editorials, articles, etc., on the "death of the TV sitcom." I say the sitcom is not dead. I say it is lonely. And by lonely I mean, well alone. Okay what I mean by this is a sitcom is a 30 minute show so it has to be paired with another 30 minute show and the networks pair the good sitcoms like "My Name is Earl," "The New Adventures of Old Christine," and "Scrubs" (all very good and very much "alive") with stuff I just don't want to watch. So then you have the dilemma of how to fill a random 30 minute segment of your TV night. If the sitcom you like comes on at the top of the hour, what do you do after that? Turn over to the last half of "Bizarre Secrets of the Pyramids?" And what if the sitcom starts at the bottom of the hour? Then you can either plan to just watch the first half of "When Dinosaurs Attacked" while you constantly glance at the clock so you don't forget to change the channel, or you can watch a 30 minute segment of some old movie you've already seen while you constantly glance at the clock so you don't forget to change the channel. Why can't they ever find two good shows to put together? Well, that's why I don't watch sitcoms anymore. It was too complicated.

The New Fall Season: I'm going to rate the new shows we try on a 1 star to 5 star scale. Tonight the only new show we tried was "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip." 5 stars - a really engaging and entertaining show
Tomorrow night the only new show we planned to watch is "Smith," but we have dinner plans so I will not be able to rate it until later in the week. Also I should mention "Standoff" which kicked off a few weeks earlier. I would have given it 5 stars until I saw "Studio 60," so I will go with "Standoff" - 4 1/2 stars

The Absentminded Confessor

I'm going to confess to all the really goofy (stupid? dangerous?) stuff I did on Wednesday during and after my Wednesday Meals on Wheels route. I don't know if my moon was in the seventh house and Jupiter aligned with Mars, or it's the hormones that Dr. Safely (yes, that's his real name - or at least the name he uses professionally) recently started me on, but I was TOTALLY absentminded on Wednesday. I'll list them in chronological order:

1: I drove right by the neighborhood of my first stop and had to turn around and go back. I attempted this by suddenly turning right into what seemed to be an opening into a parking lot. Then I noticed the barricade thing. I could get through but I would have to back up a bit and edge a little more to the right. I had to back up onto a very busy street. It wasn't good. You'd think this would have made my brain a little more alert for future endeavors, but that was not to be.

2: I turned left on a double left turn and I was in the right left turn lane and pulled into the left one! And there was a guy in the left left turn lane!! I was glad that A) I didn't get in a wreck and B) That guy did not have a gun. I NEVER do that, so I honestly don't know what happened there. And it's a turn I've taken every Wednesday for YEARS!

3: I zoned out at another left and when I looked at the light I had the green left turn arrow and it turned YELLOW!! I went for it and was SO glad that no one was behind me. On the other hand, if someone HAD been behind me, they could have honked and I wouldn't have sat through the whole green arrow. Again, this is not something I would normally do. I usually watch lights like a cat watches a bird.

4: I stopped at Petco to get a larger scratch post, one of those cardboard scratchy boards, some toy mice and another package of Sticky Paws. As I was leaving Petco carrying the cardboard scratcher thing and my bag, the girl yelled, "Ma'am? Ma'am? are you going to come back for this?" Yep I left the very large scratch post on the counter. I turned around and about 5 people were looking at me. Not good.

5: I went straight to the grocery store from there. I'm okay for what I call drive-by shopping. That means I run in and get about 7 items and run out (I do stop and pay, of course). Well I called My Sweetie as soon as I walked in and asked if he had bought milk the other day. He said no and would I get a loaf of bread. Yeah you can see this one coming. I bought the few things on my brain list and nothing else. No bread.

So now that I confessed about my stupid Wednesday, I can move on to HOW LAZY I AM.

Rufus, our new kitty, has a lot of energy. We would generally exercise him by running around the house dragging his favorite thing: the belt from an old green terry bathrobe. Rufus is very young and has lots of energy. We are not and do not. Well, one of My Sweetie's vendors gave him a laser pointer pen with a clock in it (because, you know, you NEED to know what time it is when you are making red dots on the wall). Now we can exercise Rufus while sitting on the couch. He loves it!! We think he knows we are doing it because when we are in the living room, he will stand there on the wood walkway and stare at the wall, waiting for the red dot. On the other hand, when we are NOT in the living room, we don't know what he's doing in there, so it's not a very scientific theory. Exercising my cat while sitting on the couch made me think about how lazy I can be and I thought, "I'm such a couch potato, if I wanted to kill myself, I'd have to commit herbicide."

Do All Dogs Go To Heaven?

I have to preface this post by saying that we are not racing or Nascar people. In that context, what My Sweetie said the other night is even funnier.

You know how people talk to toddlers in that sing-song way and keep asking something over and over? Like when a gift is given and they keep saying "What do you say? What do you say? Bart! What do you say?"

Saturday night, my brother-in-law the fireman made his specialty dish for the family at the Parents-in-law's house. He makes this killer crab boil dish in a giant pot over an open gas flame (I think it's a turkey fryer set-up). It's a killer meal. He uses red potatoes, corn on the cob halves, sausage, shrimp and crab legs. It is really great. We ALWAYS do it in April for a three-way birthday celebration and then at random other times. I think the reason for this one was that there was a crab-leg special. And those things were HUGE.

Anyway, we were all stuffing our faces and oohing and aahing when my Mother-in-law started asking Adam (who will be 3 in October), "Where's Boompa?" At first I was thinking, "Okay, now she's really lost it." I found out later that Boompa is what the older grandkids called my M-I-L's dad (he died in 2002). Anyway, she kept on and on with "Where's Boompa? Where's Boompa?" until someone with less patience than me jumped in and told him "Heaven." So now she started with, "Who's in heaven with Boompa? Who's in heaven with Boompa?" over and over again. I thought the correct answer was God, but I didn't feel like I was a contestant in this game. So My Sweetie suddenly says "Dale Earnhardt." Man I laughed so hard. I am SO glad I did not have food in my mouth. I laughed so hard, I started to get a coughing fit. I made myself stop. quickly finished my meal, ran outside and laughed and laughed. I can't imagine any more random answer than that. The funny thing was the "correct" answer was Shorty, their old dog. Who would have thought? Now that I think about it, Dale Earnhard seems like a more logical answer.

Oh Geez, Striptease

Oh. My. God. I just saw Striptease for the first time. I remember all the hoopla when it came out 10 years ago. The big deal was Demi Moore getting all naked. Oddly, most of the actual critiques of the movie implied it was a serious piece about a woman in bad circumstances trying to win back custody of her daughter. The other big news at the time was that it was Burt Reynolds' big comeback. On all counts I say "Uhm, no."

Yeah, Demi Moore was hot if you like that sort of athletic body with Tour de France cycling thighs. Although I am heterosexual, my personal preference for women's thighs are more along the long, lean ballet dancer look. She was very pretty throughout the film, but what was the big deal about the nudity? We've seen nearly all the big women stars naked. Hell, even Hellen Mirren was probably naked in something. I mean I've even seen Nicole Kidman's boobs and she is one of the highest paid actresses out there.

As for Burt Reynolds doing some big thing: Yeah I didn't see it. Maybe the fact that he was finally hired and wasn't playing a womanizing (oh wait he was), know-it-all (oh wait he was), smartass (uhm, he was), hot young stud (yeah he was SO NOT playing that) was a big deal at the time, but he wasn't even CLOSE to the level of performance of his role in Boogie Nights. I'd say THAT was his big comeback.

I had a bad feeling when the opening credits started and they looked like credits from a bad late 70's TV movie. IMDB lists this movie as a Comedy / Drama / Crime / Thriller . Okay I laughed once when I was supposed to: at something Ving Rhames said - and I already forgot what it was. I did laugh a lot AT the movie though. Drama? Not so much. Crime? Yeah, there was lots of that (and I'm not even counting this movie being made). Thriller? Uhm, again, not so much. The redneck/comic relief characters played by Robert Patrick and Siobhan Fallon were particularly painful to watch. If you weren't paying attention you might think someone had changed the channel during their scenes. PLUS they had Robert Patrick doing the "comedy" part and the "thriller" part. How stupid is that. How scary can a guy be that was doing slapstick?

And why was Armand Assante supposed to be Hispanic? That was just silly. Speaking of silly: Why would Demi Moore let her daughter Rumer be in this movie? I can just picture this conversation: "You get to be in a MOVIE! But you can never ever watch it!" And you know that even though she is now 18, she can't/doesn't want to watch this movie. I mean who wants to watch their mom as a naked stripper? How weird is that?

I also don't understand why, with all the publicity at the time, that Ving Rhames wasn't even mentioned. He's the only good thing in the movie. Okay I should take that back. Rumer did a great job, and I bet the soundtrack is KILLER. I DID like the music. I guess the stupidest part is I just spent all this time talking about a movie that I thought was goofy as hell.

Oh and I also saw The Phantom of the Opera today. Uhm.

Uhm.

Oh yeah, I loved the songs! That's the magic of the music of the night all right.