Monday, November 27, 2006

Sense and Sensibility

I guess everyone has heard the story about the woman being fined by her homeowners' association for having a peace sign wreath. The story is here:

I don't go overboard with my outdoor decorations but I have a few pieces and they are all candy canes. So will I be attacked by my neighbors in their valiant effort to combat childhood obesity? What about the ADA? I'm sure they would not approve.

I love how the logic of her neighborhood is basically "If we take away all freedoms, everyone will be happy." People seem to be losing every bit of the common sense they were born with.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Four Short Letters

The following are four short letters I would love to be able to send:

Dear Blogspot People,
It sucks that I switched to your "beta" and now have to sign in EVERY TIME even though I click the "remember me" box. You guys suck! What part of "remember me" do you NOT UNDERSTAND?

Dear Mr. President,
Please do not give press conferences during my soap or on Wednesday mornings.

Dear Collection Agency People,
I have told you 5000 times that the girl with my same first initial and last name is not here. I do not know her. I have never even met a person who owns a handbag store. Please stop calling.

Dear Spam Generator people,
How do you live with yourselves? I have to assume you are Catholic and receive absolution once a week.

And now for something completely different:

My latest SPOONERISM was so off the wall I'm not even sure if it qualifies. I was coming out of my closet (LOL not in THAT sense!) and I reached over to push the door closed and the edge of the door smacked into my right elbow on the intense spot. I said out loud, "Ow! I phoned my bunny!" I think I laughed about that off and on for 3 hours.

And I remembered an old one. The radio station I listen to late at night is currently running ads for "Warming Hut Ski Shop." The first time I drove by one of their stores (about 14 years ago) I thought it said "Warning! Hot Ski Shop."

Yeah I know, it's surprising I can even tie my own shoes.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I Didn't Do My Homework

I didn't really have any preconceived notions about having a blog. I thought it would be fun to have a place to jot down random musings, maybe have an exchange of ideas with like-minded and not so much like-minded peoples. I didn't really put a lot of thought into it. Until I read BuddhaCab's "Mission Statement." Then I felt like the kid in school with no books that forgot the assignment. This is his mission statement:

Buddha Cab Mission Statement
This website is my entry into the interactive web publishing blogging phenomenon. The idea behind this blog is to present my experiences as a New York City cab driver, from my perspective as a yogi and Buddhist. (I have to say I’d been contemplating doing something like this when a passenger last week told me about Melissa P.’s blog “New York Hack.” Upon surfing over there and enjoying reading her posts, I decided to go ahead and set this blog up.)
WordPress recommends being clear on the mission for your blog. So this first post will set out my intentions for this site, at least as I see them now.

What am I going to do with this?
It’s an online journal of my experiences as a cab driver
It’ll journal my reflections on my life and the world as I see it

Who is going to read this?
Family, friends, who knows? Should be interesting to find out.
What kinds of information will I be posting?
Journal entries
Links to Buddhist and Yoga stuff
Links to similar cab blogs

Why am I doing this?
To have an outlet for my writing (being the world’s most blocked writer as of now)
Learn more web stuff (I know a little HTML and CSS, and hopefully I’ll know a little more and maybe some PHP before this is all said and done)
Participate in the web publishing, open-source revolution (why not, it’s pretty cool)

Who am I doing this for?
Myself, of course. Also family, friends, and like-minded people who might enjoy any of this.

How often am I going to be posting and adding information?
The plan is to post a couple of times a week

I once wrote a mission statement for an actual company. I had fun with it because I like to play with words. (I just checked their website and I'm pretty sure it's still what I wrote word-for-word.) The concept of having to have a mission statement for your blog seems a lot like work to me. I didn't come here to work. That's why I have a basic template. I'm actually a graphic artist. I know you are surprised! I think if I started personalizing my site with my own work I would end up spending HOURS AND HOURS on it. I decided right away not to do that. I may someday though, who knows?

So I was looking at the list of the questions BuddhaCab had and I figured my answers would go like this:

What am I going to do with this? I don't know

Who is going to read this? I don't know

What kinds of information will I be posting? I don't know

Why am I doing this? I don't know

Who am I doing this for? I don't know

How often am I going to be posting and adding information? I don't know

Now I know how Rudy Boesch from "Survivor 2" felt in that one challenge: he answered "I don't know" for every single question! We laughed and laughed. I love to laugh. And basically that's my goal in life, so I guess maybe that's my real "mission."

Thursday, November 16, 2006

My Superpower

In lots of blogs and memes people are asked "What superpower would you choose?" Most people say things like:
The ability to fly
The ability to become invisible
The ability to read minds

A couple of weeks ago I realized which superpower I would choose: Impervious Teeth

Yes, I would be Impervious Teeth Girl. Maybe I could be called SuperTooth. Can you imagine what a lovely life one would have with impervious teeth? No dentists ever. And maybe you couldn't save the planet, but you could do a lot with impervious teeth. You would never need a knife. In a worst case scenario I suppose you could bite a bad guy's arm off. Actually with impervious teeth, you could grab their gun and chew it up. I'm unsure on the mechanics, though. Would chewing through a bullet with impervious teeth cause it to explode? That wouldn't be good for the rest of my head, although it wouldn't harm my teeth.

I don't understand why human teeth are so pathetically fragile. I love God as much as the next guy, but let's face it, when it comes to teeth, we were pretty much cheated. There's not another part of our body that we have to work so hard just to maintain. I mean if you ignored your left hand for 10 years, the worst outcome would be grotesque fingernails. Ignore your teeth for ten years? I'm not a dentist but I imagine the outcome would be VERY bad.

So that's my secret wish: To have impervious teeth. Maybe in 100 years someone will make that a possibility for everyone.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Decorating Mistakes

I'm an HGTV fanatic. Around Halloween they did a show called 25 Biggest Decorating Mistakes. I sat there engrossed, judging myself by their pronouncements. Here's how I did:

#25 - toilet rugs. And by this they meant the cut out ones. I passed. I haven't had one of those in probably 10 years.

#24 - too many photos. Okay. I am a LITTLE bit guilty of this one, so I have been pulling some.

#23 - ignoring the foyer. I call it the entryway and I love mine and it even has a theme. So, Not Guilty.

#22 - undressed cables. Guilty. It's the big TV. In a half-open corner. Yep.

#21 - out-of-place themes. Well, for this one they show a bedroom and what they mean is like a Miami style bedroom in Minnesota or a Southwestern themed house in Vermont. I DO have a beach themed bathroom here in North Texas. Because I can.

#20 - outdated accessories. According to their description I am good. (Old cabinet hardware and stuff like that.)

#19 - lopsided furniture arrangements. This one was funny because I HATE lopsided furniture arrangements. I usually rearrange the furniture in hotel rooms.

#18 - keeping something you hate. Do people really do this?!?

#17 - too formal. Okay that just made me laugh. Well, chuckle anyway.

#16 - uncomfortable dining chairs. Not guilty (probably has something to do with #17)

#15 - lack of traffic pattern. Also not a problem or the cats would run into things during their high-speed chases.

#14 - everything matches. Okay my bedroom was getting close to that so I fixed it a year or so ago.

#13 - following fads. Not guilty. At all.

#12 - furniture that doesn't fit. I think I'm okay here too.

#11 - too many colors or patterns. Aw hell no! I hate that! That would have been my #1!

#10 - floating rugs. After I fell 4 feet to the ground I threw out my floating rug. Okay, it means just sitting in the middle of a room with nothing on it. I don't have one of those.

#9 - improper lighting. Okay my kitchen could use some help here but I don't see how punching holes in the ceiling and doing electrical work falls under the category of DECORATING.

#8 - frames hung too high. This also made me laugh. I have actually harassed people to let me lower their pictures.

#7 - tacky couch covers. I've never used one. Get a new couch.

#6 - pushed back furniture. Not guilty, except in the bedroom, because that would just be weird.

#5 - ignoring windows. GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! I am allergic to dust and curtains are dust farms. It's very easy to vacuum the mini-blinds. But I don't IGNORE my windows. I use them every day.

#4 - fear of color. Not guilty, although I do not like homes that are TOO colorful. Anyway, except for the guest room, most of my stuff is green.

#3 - knickknack overload. Not guilty. I'm just not a knickknacky kinda person.

#2 - too many pillows. Again not guilty. I hate when they show a couch covered with pillows. What, like only Calista Flockhart and Nicole Richie can sit there?

#1 - fake flowers. I had a slight problem with this until they said dried flowers were good, because I have dried eucalyptus. Also I do have two large red silk flowers in my guest room. They are sitting by a black and white photo that I made. It is a nun crypt in New Orleans. I made the photo back and white and then colorized the flowers sitting in front a bright crimson. I think it looks cool. And anyway, I don't think this should have been #1 (#11 should have been #1!!).

What would be your #1 decorating mistake? LOL. I don't mean that YOU do, I mean that OTHERS do, because THEY are the ones who are wrong.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

My Latest Spoonerisms

These are just the ones I remember (I'm sure there have been more):

As we were getting ready to watch the third game of the World Series, I said, "Oh! Now that they are playing in St. Louis, does the mean we get to see the pitter's batch?"

My Sweetie was thinking about going to Barnes & Noble. He asked if there were any particular book I wanted. I said, "You already asked me that last week, and I told you to get it for me for Christmas." Of course, he had no idea what I was talking about so I was a little irritated and I said, "I told you I wanted a book on North Mysology!" After I said that I wondered if mysology was actually a word. It's not but this is:

Function: noun
Etymology: Greek misologia, from misein + -logia -logy: a hatred of argument, reasoning, or enlightenment

Yeah, I don't need a book about THAT. This last spoonerism happened tonight. It came out kind of gross. Rufus the crazy cat was going berserk over something but I couldn't see what he had. I asked My Sweetie, "What is he going so nuts over?" MS said, "It's a twist tie." I said, "Well I guess that's okay as long as he doesn't poke a tongue in his hole."

Oh and next time I am arguing (debating?) with someone who seems particularly dense, I'm going to sweetly say, "Wow! You're quite the misologist!"

Saturday, November 04, 2006

No Gaydar

I was pretty surprised to read today that Neil Patrick Harris is gay. When I was young I had absolutely no Gaydar. I remember once, when I was back home, asking about various people. I said "How about B.B.?" My friends said, "You didn't know? He died of aids several years ago in San Francisco." I said, "Was he gay?" and they all laughed at me. In junior high school I had such a crush on this guy and he would not give me the time of day. Of course, I just thought I wasn't cute enough for him. The only guy I ever thought was gay in high school was at our 20 year reunion and I'm pretty sure I was right on that one. I had another instance when I was about 21 of relentlessly pursuing a guy and still didn't realize until years later that he was gay. It's funny how when you think back on things everything is so obvious. So for some reason, in my mid twenties, I guess I was trying to make up for all the ones I had missed and then thought EVERYONE was gay. When I first met my second husband, I thought HE was gay. Ironically, after all these years I'm pretty sure I was right. My Mom always thought he was and my daughter thinks he is. He DOES fit the profile of someone that would NEVER act on it. He'll probably wait until his parents die to come out. I think that's sad.

One person that I did know was gay for years and years before he came out was Richard Chamberlain. That was so obvious to me. I'm not sure how he escaped the media attention. Or maybe no one cared. My favorite last hold out is Jodie Foster. I adore her. Several years ago I made my own dishwasher clean/dirty magnet using one of those magnetic business card things. One half is Jodie Foster and the other half is Pamela Anderson. We just turn it heads up to show the status of the dishes.

I've never understood the vitriolic hatred that exists for gay people. I've read the old testament part about men not laying (lying?) together, but in the same section it also says not to eat pork and not to have sex with someone outside of marriage. I find it hard to believe that all of the people who hate gays also don't eat pork and never had sex outside of marriage. And even if they did, what about the "judge not..." part of the bible? (Am I supposed to capitalize bible?) Years ago when Dolly Parton said, "I think gay people should be able to get married. Why can't they have to suffer like the rest of us?" I laughed my ass off. You'd think with the divorce rate being what it is, lawyers would have a PAC for gay marriage. More money for them.

Speaking of gay people, I was watching "Ellen" today and it was the first time I have ever seen her starstruck/flustered over a guest. It was Sandra Bullock. If I were Portia De Rossi, I would have been a little bit jealous. It was cute though.

Well there's no point to this post whatsoever, except maybe to say that in my years of gaydar/no gaydar I guess after Doogie Howser, I'm back to NO gaydar.