Regarding Halloween

Just so you don't get the wrong idea right off the bat, I'm no Halloween Grinch. Just the opposite: every year I decorate my little porch and dress up to give out GOOD candy. A few years ago I even dressed as the Cat in The Hat and spoke in rhyme to the kids. One year I wore an eye patch and it nearly gave me brain damage. I hope I never lose an eye. No more fun and games after that. Oh, I seemed to wander off the subject, which is this:

MY THREE SIMPLE RULES OF TRICK-OR-TREATING:

1) If you are an adult DO NOT come to my door carrying a 4 month old baby dressed in a cute little costume to collect candy. The baby will not remember the experience and the baby does not need candy. This only applies to people with an only child. If you have an actual real child that is trick-or-treating, feel free to bring along your cute little baby, but do not ask for candy for the baby.

2) If you are a kid that is taller than me, do not come to my house. If you are 5' 5" or taller, you are too old to trick-or-treat.

3) Say "Thank you" and mean it or I will put a wicked curse on your ass.

I'm not doing the spider webs this year. That's a lot of work and after a rain (and we always get one) it is a bitch to get that stuff out of the bushes. This year I'm just going to create an eerie feel on the porch using black crepe paper. And I'm going to have my gargoyle out on a pedestal. I'll take pictures. Well, if it looks cool.