Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Merge Post: Bulldog and Hair

I had been planning a follow-up post on the cute haircut I talked about getting in February and also planning a post on The Bulldog Effect and today I realized that I could just merge them into one post.
When I was growing up, I noticed that women reached a certain age and started looking sort of like bulldogs. Except when I was little I called them "JoAnns" because of a certain woman in our neighborhood. This woman also wore bright red double-knit polyester pantsuits, which you might try to blame on it being the 70's, but that's whimping out because my Mom never dressed like that.
North Carolina women all start out looking gorgeous. Our most famous one is Ava Gardner:
Her IMDB site says she was born in "Grabtown" North Carolina and I thought it was some sort of weird joke because I knew she was born in Brogden, but Wikipedia says it's the same place. I'm guessing Brogden was just an area name and not an official town. The reason I know she was born in Brogden was because my grandmother was there at her birth. Back then babies were born at home and all the neighbor ladies came to help. Grandma was ten, but I guess she was there with her mom.
Where was I? Oh yeah, North Carolina women all start out gorgeous. This is my Mom at 16:
And yes that's my Dad, the guy that grew up to look like Papa Hemingway, who by the way always called the above photo "Beauty and The Beast." Dad I mean, not Hemingway. He probably never saw it. Hemingway I meant that time.
I should have done an outline or something, this is getting ridiculous. Okay, so North Carolina women start out gorgeous then at middle age, they start getting quite jowly - what I call The Bulldog Effect. This is Ava Gardner at just 44:

I always thought that because Mom didn't get jowly that I was somehow immune, but I was wrong. And that was silly because I don't really look like Mom except for about 3 square inches around my nose. I think I first noticed my bulldog head about 2 years ago or so. It's mostly a profile thing. That's one of the reasons I like a shorter stylish haircut - it gives you something else to look at from the side besides my bulldog jowls. But as I've said ad nauseam: It gets really hot here in Texas. So that night that I posted about getting that cute haircut, I was going to stop by the next afternoon after MOW and show the pics to my hairdresser and make an appointment. But that day, it got hot. My neck got all hot, and it was only in the 80's and I thought, "Are you insane? You can't get your hair cut."
So of course I did not get it cut, as you could plainly see if you saw the last post. And what you could also plainly see was I have no hairstyle whatsoever. It's just growing out willy nilly, so that I can wear it up. But here's the thing: If I just pull it all straight back into a ponytail, then I really really look like a bulldog in profile. Hell, maybe from every direction.
So this morning (Wednesday) I was all, "What am I gonna do with this hair?" I discovered a way to wear it up with this big two sided curved hair comb thing and I thought it looked pretty cute. And sort of Old School:

And I looked better from the side, which you will not see because then you would all nod and say, "Oh, okay, I get the whole bulldog thing now."

(Note to Carole: Do not comment "I've seen you from every angle and you do not look like a bulldog." You are the nicest person on earth so I know you want to say that. No, Carole, no. Stay! Good girl!)


Scarlet said...

If you expect me to write something about your looking like a bulldog...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! You look great and I love the red...and the way your hair looks from the back. Very cool!

I adore your parents' picture (the so-called "Beauty & The Beast" photo). I would love to take a photo like that NOW before I get that Latin chihuahua look! :)

Mr. Jazz said...

I'm not Carole so I can safely and sincerely say that I've seen you from every angle (albeit for a short period) and you do not look like a bulldog. This being said, I think bulldogs are really cool dogs and I don't see anything wrong with their look. And if you've been to Amsterdam, the Bulldog is a world renowned icon of sorts. Love that pic of your folks.

Gnightgirl said...

I've seen you from...2 angles, and you do not look like a bulldog. The updo is cute; I've never been able to master a cute updo; even with current trends to make them all sticky out-y, I manage to make it look like I've just slept a pony tail or something. Yay you.

LoLa said...

That last paragraph was hilarious.

Carole said...

Gee, you know me so well now that I don't even have to comment! haha Pretty cool.

I will say however that because your hair is so wavy, your up-do does capture that Old School Hollywood look you were looking for. Wish my hair could do that!

As for the old photo of your parents...Va Va Va Voom to your mom! As for your Dad's naming it "Beauty & the Beast"...I see where you get your great sense of humor.

By the way, when you decide to do a stand-up routine at the Improv here, I'll have a front row seat. You absolutely crack me up sometimes! :)

Jazz said...

Seen you too, no bulldog!! HA!

But, if you insist on the whole bulldog thing, we all get jowly after 40, but you North Carolinians (Caroliners, Carolinans?) all start out beautiful so you have a head start on the rest of us. Y'all are beautiful and jowly after 40, we're just average and jowly...

Anonymous said...

I think Ava is beautiful in both photos. And like Jazz, I don't think Carolinians have the market cornered on jowliness. Me, I'm getting a crepey neck. Ewwww.

geewits said...

~~"that Latin chihuahua look" hee hee! I don't know what that is, but it's funny. I think you're about 10 years younger than me so you should be fine for a while. Rarf!

Mr. Jazz,
~~You're just the charmer there aren't you? Maybe I should move to Amsterdam?

~~I thought the slept in look was supposed to be sexy?

~~Carole is sweet and funny and I knew she wouldn't be offended. And I'm glad you had a chuckle!

~~I used to wake up in the middle of the night and write down stand-up ideas for a possible open mike night, but when I read them the next day they were ridiculous. I'm more of a spontaneous person anyway. But thanks!

~~Well nix on that. It goes both ways, you know. I've seen you in person and I thought you were gorgeous. You have really magical eyes.

~~I guess the one upside to being fat is all my "lines" are pretty well filled in. If your neck is really aging you are lucky that you live in a cold climate. I'd get heatstroke if I wore stuff around my neck here.

Jammie J. said...

You can't (and don't) look like a bulldog. It's impossible because in order to look like one, you'd have to have one as a pet. And you don't, so you don't.

Cute do, though. :)

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