Moms

This seemed an appropriate picture for a Mother's Day post. This represents 4 generations of Mothers and Daughters. If I had to guess, and well I guess I do, I'd guess it was taken in late spring or early summer of 1991. The lady in pink is my grandmother who died last summer. She was not a pleasant lady. She had 5 children and obviously favored the eldest two: her only son and her first of four daughters. My Mom was the middle child. My parents met when Mom was 14 and Dad 16. My Dad was a very domineering and jealous person, but Mom actually preferred him to my grandmother and so they were married in 1955, just after she turned 17. My brother was born in July of 1957 and I came along in April 1961. I remember my first memory of my Mom. Dad had gotten my brother and I up very early to decorate the kitchen for Mom's birthday. I remember sensing the excitement and trying to figure out what was going on. Mom worked nights and would be coming in very early from work. She walked in, we yelled, "Surprise!" and I remember thinking, "Oh, THAT'S Mom." (She hates that story.) It seems she worked nights and slept during the day. We had a lady that stayed at the house during the day to clean and watch my brother and me. Like a duck I had attached to my brother and he is the first person I have clear memories of. In all fairness to my Mom, I was probably either 1 1/2 or 2/12 when that birthday party took place and was just starting up the synapses in my brain.
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We were not close when I was a kid. Mom always worked and when she wasn't working she had to be a wife. My Dad set all of the rules and those were the rules. Dad made all decisions regarding the children although Mom was allowed to cook for us. And do our laundry when we were very young. She had no interest in my friends or my Barbies. I remember one summer night when I was 12, I came in around 10:00 or 10:30. Dad was in the Dominican Republic for the summer. My brother was 16 and was who knows where. The house was quiet. Mom walked out of her room and said, "Where have you been?" I said, "Jeanette's. I'm always at Jeanette's." She said, "Do you always stay out this late?" I remember thinking it was the oddest question. Later she told me she thought she may have been suffering from depression that summer.
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At the end of that summer, my Dad changed careers and that November we moved to a much larger town 70 miles away. The pressures of his new job and the lifestyle changes took their toll on him over the next few years and he became more abusive to my Mom than ever before. In the spring of 1976, Mom finally made her escape. My brother was away in the Air Force and was kept in the dark about all of this until almost Christmas because "they didn't want to upset him." Meanwhile as part of Mom's escape plan, she accused him of asault (he did) and took out a restraining order so that he could not come back to our apartment. Unfortunately, Mom was in another town and the only person in the apartment was me, trying to finish up 9th grade. My Dad called my boyfriend's mom and they took me in for several weeks until Dad could find a place for us to live. So my first important shopping trip for a dress-up gown, for the Drama Club event at The Village Dinner Theater (we saw "Oliver!") was done with Mrs. York. Also I was in a play that ran for three nights and no one came. The last night of the play I burst into tears. No one knew what was going on except my friend Joan, who was also in the play. She told everyone and they all gave me their flowers. Man I felt so pathetic. It was sweet of everyone. Even the popular cheerleaders, who played saloon girl extras, gave me their flowers.
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There was no custody hearing or anything. I just knew I had to live with my Dad or my Mom would never be free. She needed a clean break and that couldn't happen if I were with her. I knew Dad would use me as an excuse to see Mom. I didn't see her a lot after that. She stopped by Sears a few times when I worked there when I was 16 and she once came to see me sing (in school chorus) at the mall near her apartment. Sometimes when my High School Boyfriend and I were going to Chapel Hill, we would stop by Mom's to say hi and a few times she invited me over for dinner. Then at the beginning of my senior year she called to tell me she was moving to Texas.
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I was already spiraling down into my anorexia when I got this news. I went to school for half a day, went to work at a job I hated (selling shoes at Montgomery Ward) and took ballet once a week. My diet consisted of a small glass of orange juice every morning with a vitamin and during the day, crushed ice. I did drink Pepsi, so I guess I was getting some calories there. When I felt hungry, I ate crushed ice. Sometimes I would eat some lettuce. I think Dad noticed something but didn't handle it well. I would come in around 10:00 at night and he would say he had made dinner and make me a plate. I would push it around and he would yell at me so I would cry and go to my room. In early January, I called my Mom and asked if I could come to live with her. I posted some of that here.
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After my freshman year at UNCG, I spent the summer with Mom. I was a chicken and didn't tell her until near the end of the summer that I wasn't going back to school. She did not take that news well and we were not getting along very well, so I went back to N.C. to live with my Dad. That's why I was in N.C. for the car accident. That next summer I came back to Texas for good. I went to the community college at night and worked for my step-dad full time during the day. At the end of that school year, when I was 21, I finally moved out on my own (okay, well, with a guy). The next year, I met Kate's dad and moved in with my brother and him. I got pregnant that winter and Mom was okay with it. One of her country club friends gave me a baby shower! I knew Mom did not like kids, so in an attempt to create some bonding, I named my daughter after my mother. The biggest surprise of my life came after the baby was born. My Mom, who is terrified of freeways, drove over to my house in Dallas every morning to help me. She would leave just before my husband got home, with dinner cooking and instructions on how to finish everything. She was awesome and I think that's when our adult bond as mother and daughter truly began.
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With the exception of my two divorces, we have not had any bumpy times and have become the best of friends. (Yeah Mom gets mad at me when I leave a husband - fortunately that won't happen again!) I really love my Mom and I'll miss her a lot on Sunday. They will be back in a couple of weeks and I did send her a nice gift. I want to mention that when I started this post, I did not mean for it to go in this direction and be so revealing, but that's where it went and that's where it will stay. I hope everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day weekend.