Fly the Funky Skies

I was trying to come up with a topic and thought I'd talk about divorce. Then I read this other guy's blog about flying and realized that would be a better topic since I will be flying on Monday. He started out saying he's often been asked who would be the perfect person to be seated next to on a plane and he said "An empty seat." Yeah, no kidding. Before I start about seatmates though, I thought I'd tell the story of the time Dad and I got "written up."

For years, I had been packing a few beers in my carry-on to tide me over between take-off and cart service and cart service and landing. Although I didn't know the actual rules, I imagined it would be "frowned upon," so I was always discreet. Well Dad and I were flying somewhere. My guess is Mexico. We'd already had our service drinks. I brought out the beers and told him to be very casual. Well, yeah, what was I thinking? Dad was in the center seat yapping away to the aisle seat person and paid absolutely NO ATTENTION when the flight attendant walked by, watching him wave his Pearl Light can around. Maybe if it had been a beer they actually served, it would have been fine. But it was a Pearl Light. Well, this flight attendant, who looked exactly like Robin Wright Penn in her waitressing uniform near the end of Forest Gump, went freaking ballistic! She wrote us up and yammered away in front of everyone. We got pink copies of some form. My Dad actually framed his and hung it in his den. I threw mine away and never took beer on the plane again. I had a different last name then, so hopefully, American Airlines does not have an asterisk by my name on their computer.

As far as seatmates go, I can tell you my favorite. She was a college student on her way back to UNC from L.A. I was a young mom traveling with Kate who was probably 5. She was the daughter of Lionel Stander and his 6th wife. Lionel Stander was best known as the butler from "Hart to Hart." His IMDB bio is here http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0822034/bio
She was a fascinating girl named Jennifer. We had the best time talking. Her high school boyfriend stories were just like mine except her HSB was one of the Zappa boys. Her best friend was Courtney Wagner, Robert Wagner's daughter. She was a great story-teller and it seemed like the shortest flight to N.C. that I had ever had.

I had some other interesting seatmates, but none so fun. One was a psychiatrist that looked like Richard Dreyfuss and I talked his ear off. Another was a girl about my age also flying to Vegas to meet her Dad. We ended up drinking and telling jokes with the row of guys in front of us. Another good one was an engineer that explained to me how stop lights work. I like to know how things work.

I'm lucky that I don't have any real horror stories about seatmates. The worst are the ones that smell and they are most likely to be on the flight back from Vegas. There was a hacking cougher on the flight back from Hawaii that shook the whole row of seats with every wracking fit he had. The crying babies thing doesn't bother me so much because I go kinda deaf when I fly. If a kid is kicking my seat, however, I will turn around and tell them to stop. The only time I had to sit next to a really obese person, they asked for volunteers to give up their seats for vouchers and I practically ran to the front of the plane. That was Vegas, so I just went back to my hotel and checked back in.

I do miss the old days with the cute little meal trays. I even miss the lunch bag things they used to have with the fancy French or Italian name. What were those called? But at least they still have drinks. I guess I'm ready to fly again. Wish me luck.