Classified Ass

We interrupt my new series on how I managed to get divorced twice with the following post on treadmills:

Okay, it's not no much about treadmills as it is about classifed ads. More precisely, about my dealings with the classifieds while looking for a good used treadmill. I got the paper on Sunday and found the section titled: Sporting & Exercise Equipment. There were five ads for treadmills. I numbered them (1 through 5), and numbered a sheet of paper to take notes. I wanted to know A) the brand; B) model number; C) if the owner still had the manual. I figured I could then look up more information on the internet.

On Monday I called #5 as it was the only one that said "excellent condition." I got a recording that said, "If you're calling about the treadmill, call this number..." I thought that was goofy. So I called the second number and got another answering machine with the exact same voice saying to leave a message. I left a message. I also called ad #4 and talked to a foreign lady who knew nothing about the treadmill as it was her husband's. She did look on the thing and gave me a brand and model# although I could find nothing on the internet corresponding with what she told me. Meanwhile, I had found enough information to know that I did NOT want the treadmill in ad #2. I figured I would call ads #1 & #3 today.

Monday night, around 7:00, the phone rang. It was the voice from ad #5 (both answering machines). The only way to describe this old man's voice is that it sounded like someone with a thick Texas accent talking with a mouth full of mucus and marbles. First he said he had FOUR treadmills. That was a red flag, because to me that meant he was a junk dealer or something instead of just a regular person trying to get rid of a treadmill they don't use. I asked him for the models. All I heard was garble garble garble Proform garble garble garble. So I said, "What was that first one again?" I still couldn't understand his mucusy marbley speech and he spelled it for me. I wrote it down. Then I said, "What were the last two, because I know I don't want a Proform." In an irate voice, he said, "You don't want a Proform?" I said, "I've been looking on the internet and I don't want a Proform..." And was in the midst of again asking for the brands of the other two treadmills when he shrieked,"You don't want no treadmill!!" and hung up on me. Yep. He hung up on me.

Cut to 9:00 am this morning. The phone rings. I look at caller ID and it says "(something) vacuum" but I happen to recognize the phone number as the first number I had called to Mr. Mucus Salesperson of the Year. Of course, I didn't answer. I check the voice mail, and he's left this nice message. My Sweetie's voice is on our message, so he's all sir this and that about finding the number on his caller ID and was it about the treadmill yada yada. So I laughed and promptly forgot about it. Well okay, I went back to sleep, same thing. So this afternoon I'm dust/vacuuming the back of the TV and the phone rings and it's that guy again, so I answer it. I'm thinking A) this is the third time he's called this number, does he not recognize it? and B) I wonder if he'll recognize my voice. But after my hello, he very politely goes into his spiel about finding the number on his caller ID and was my call about the treadmill? So I said, "Yes, I DID call this number and was directed to the other number. I called that number and left a message. You called me back last night and hung up on me." And then I pressed "Off" on my phone. Somewhere between "...left a message. You called..." he started to speak, but I kept talking and then hung up. It was SWEEEET!.

You'd think that would be the end of this story. Oh hell no. So this evening I call ad #3. I said, "I'm calling about the treadmill." The man says, "We already sold it." I said, "Oh, well, I'm sorry to have bothered you then." He said, "Thanks for calling." End of transaction. I called ad #1. Again, "I'm calling about the treadmill." A woman basically shrieks, "I can't imagine why!!!" I said, "Excuse me?" I'm thinking here that I accidentally called some sort of group home. She goes berserk saying, "Why would you call today!!?? We put that ad in Friday!! We sold it the next day!! I said, "Well I got it from Sunday's paper." and while I was saying that she was still berating me. She said, "Well you should only call the day of the ad!! We sold that the very next..." I pushed the "off" button again.

I'm never using the classified ads again. I'm going to go to ebay now and look for a local used treadmill.