More Funny Spam Titles

I've been collecting spam in a special folder for a while because some of the subject lines really crack me up. I've decided to try to break them up into categories.


These are just worded really oddly:

Enjoy the newest Have you ever wished to have more intense final?
(It sounds like they are discussing school exams in a whole new way.)
But now I can penetrate hardly and give the pleasure to every woman!
(So if he can hardly penetrate, where's the pleasure coming from?)
Feel Pleasure from Act while others wait!
(Now with this one I'm picturing a room full of bored people waiting on the one person having fun by themself.)
New and hot Have you ever dreamt to have a very hard penis during all process?
(I just love the "during all process" part!)
It is absolutely safety for your health!
(Okay this one is just bad grammar)

Things Yoda Might Say:

Hot and new Every man wants it Take pleasure from
Discover the latest It will be great Delight in
The newest Surely you only dream of it Take pleasure from
Hot'n'new I think, yes. Enjoy
Never-seen I am sure it was Feel Pleasure from

But now for my very favorite:

I felt it myself when my girlfriend had left me!

Ever So Goofy, There's No Place Like Home

Whoa, August has been a blur of heat and stuff happening. That may look like an ad, but it's an actual polaroid picture with all that Bud stuff pre-printed on it. We were at olivertwist Saturday night (I think, I mean I think it was Saturday) and some Bud people took our picture for no reason. I flew in on Wednesday. The funeral was Friday. I left on Monday. It was a nice ceremony for my grandmother. The speaker was a retired minister from back when my grandmother still attended church there. It was VERY obvious that he knew her well. I was impressed by that. I've been to funerals that seemed kind of impersonal and generic. I saw cousins that I had not seen since the 70's. The funniest was my cousin Vicky. Mom had told me she wasn't coming (from Wilmington) because she had been missing for some time. Apparently she is a crazy crackhead (a 49-year-old one!) and disappears for weeks at a time. Well not only did she show up, but she was wearing a dress she must have stolen right out of the wardrobe department of Big_Love/ . Seriously she looked like an Amish woman from 1963. It was very weird. My favorite nephew was there and he was too cute. He stood by me at the cemetery. He'll be 18 in October. Unfortunately he is my brother's son and I don't care for my brother. Oooh, and my brother came up and hugged me. Yuck City. There was no gathering after the cemetery part. My Aunt Ann lives near there, but when I asked her if people were going to her house afterwards, she just said, "I don't know." I did not consider that an invitation. Lolo and I had to pee like mad monkeys at that point and stopped at the first place we could find. It was a Mexican restaurant there in Raleigh. We went to the bar for some beers and although we told them we would not be eating, they served us chips and salsa. Oddly enough, it was some of the best salsa I have ever had. Very fresh and homemade. Lots of cilantro and garlic and a good spicy bite without burning your tongue so bad you couldn't really savor the flavors.

On Sunday I saw an old friend that I've known since junior high school. His band did the closing credit song for the Joaquin Phoenix and Vince Vaughn movie Clay Pigeons/ . The song was "Clay Pigeons (The Ballad Of Lester Long)." He's a really cool and really sweet guy. On Monday I saw my bestest bestest guy friend Bill. We had lunch and he told me the funniest joke. I can't tell it here because it is totally an aural joke. I had a great time seeing old family, hanging out with Lolo and spending some time with old friends.

It was nice being back on my Meals on Wheels route today. Also today was my daughter's 22nd birthday. My Sweetie, Kate and my parents (who are temporarily back from their NC retirement/vacation place) all met at a great small Italian restaurant for Kate's birthday dinner. It's really hard to believe that my daughter is 22.

I'm in a cleaning/purging mood and want to seriously de-clutter the house. The next charity group that calls about a pick-up will be thrilled when I say, "Yes! I will have many items!"

Oh and it was actually UNDER 100 degrees today. Woo Hoo! So anyway, I'm back and am ready to get back into my groove and hopefully make an attempt at filling the unforgiving minute.

(wink)

I May Never Catch Up

I was getting around to part two of my July North Carolina beach trip and things kept popping up. On Sunday (the 13th), my grandmother who has been wasting away for quite some time, finally passed on to the other side. So, here I am heading back to North Carolina. Although Grandmother was in a nursing home in Wilmington, her original home base was Raleigh, so that's where the funeral will be. It's not a big sad thing because she was 95 and had no "quality of life" for many years. I'm really looking forward to seeing some of my cousins that I have not seen in decades. I'll be there tomorrow (Wednesday) at 5:00. Lolo is going to pick me up and I will be staying with her until Monday. I'm glad we will get to spend more time together since our time was cut short on the last trip because she had a last minute business trip.

I AM dreading flying with all the new restrictions. I've always taken a backpack as my one carry-on, but I don't want to deal with having it searched. This trip I am taking my tiny "date purse." That means I have to put EVERYTHING ELSE in my suitcase. I narrowed the "have to carry on" list to: medicine, jewelry, wallet, kleenex, smokes (yes having to fly has me smoking again) and cell phone. It will all fit into my lovely little purse that I bought in San Diego. I just feel like I will forget something because I have been packing the same for so many years. And now I have to deal with splitting up all the things I used to throw in the backpack. Of course, on the bright side (and I ALWAYS look there), I won't have to trudge around with a heavy backpack on my shoulder. My date purse is one of those that you wear across your chest, so there is no shoulder slippage or anything. You don't even have to think about it. I will probably have the feeling I am forgetting something all day tomorrow.

I'm off in the morning, and Lolo does not have internet at home, so again, I will be missing out on my blog reading, APOD, etc. I seriously plan to catch up on my tales when I get back. But, I think I always say that. I guess I NEVER will fill that unforgiving minute.

The New Normal?

Wow. I've been so out of sorts for so long, it's hard to even remember what normal feels like. On top of being so sick, I don't think August has EVER been my best month. With that out of the way, I want to do some catching up:

This is a Google Earth picture of the spot on the beach where Lolo and I sat for hours on Saturday, July 22nd. The longer arrow points to our spot on the beach. The shorter arrow to Buddy's bar, and the lone red spot to where we parked (and we shouldn't have, but we got away with it). The weird thing about this satellite picture is that it was taken in the middle of winter with snow on the ground. The odds that the satellite people happened to pick a day to photograph this site when there was snow on the ground seem very slim. But it is what it is. And what it is is Topsail Island in North Carolina.

The flight out of DFW was uneventful, which means everything was good. The quick stopover in Charlotte, NC was just long enough to hit the bathroom and hit the bar for one beer and one cigarette. And may I say thank you to the Charlotte airport for having smoking bars (DFW does not). The quickie hop from Charlotte to Wilmington did not start out well. Some fratty-looking guy was in my seat and the flight attendant didn't seem to care and just told me to find a seat. I got VERY lucky and ended up next to a guy on the emergency exit row (aaaaah stretch those legs out!) and he was not only friendly, but laughed at EVERY joke I made. I told him that he could do the physical removal of the exit door and I would tell everybody what to do (in case of emergency). Well then they said no beverage service, but it really was a very quick flight. I almost tumbled head first out of the plane, because I was not expecting a ladder to the ground. It was really funny to me at the time. Mom was RIGHT THERE when I stepped into the terminal. It's been years since anyone has met me at a gate. I didn't even think that was legal.

Mom had cold beer for me in the car and I was certainly ready for one. The ride wasn't too long. Of course she was pointing out all sorts of stuff to me (like "that's the road to your Aunt Shirley's house") that I knew I'd never remember. We finally got to the campground and pulled up to their camper and of course it had the nicest "yard" around. I dropped my suitcase inside and looked around and then we sat on the screen porch and yakked away. I called Lolo when I first got there and she was just leaving Raliegh. Mom started getting antsy about eating so I said, "Let's go to the beach and get an appetizer." Well somehow time passed in a blur and Lolo called for close in directions and somehow got there before we got back. I felt bad that we weren't there to welcome her. It was weird getting back to the camper and Lolo is sitting on the screen porch! More yakking ensued. We went back to the same place we had been for dinner. It's actually on that map up there. The building just to the right of Buddy's.

On Saturday, Mom left to make her every-other-day trek to the nursing home, and Lolo and I went to the beach. We had GREAT weather. The hours just flew by. We didn't realize how late it was until we got to the car. We were meeting Lolo's friend Angela in Wilmington for dinner. We got ready as quickly as possible and headed out. Mapquest didn't mention that we were to take business 17, so we stayed on 17 and got a little lost. A quick phone call fixed all that and we finally ended up here: http://www.indochinewilmington.com/index.html There were six of us altogether. Afterwards the three girls went to a Dave & Buster's type place. And then to Angela's house. Somehow we made it back to the campground. Unfortunately it rained steadily all day on Sunday, but we did eventually make it out to Rick's http://www.eatatricks.com/ where the three of us pigged out on crab legs. Poor Lolo was driving and it began to pour on the way home from the restaurant. Between the pouring rain and my Mom serving as navigator, well I was just glad I had lots of beer.

Monday was Lolo's day to head back to Raliegh, and Mom went to the nursing home. They both left before noon. I watched my soap (well mostly listened to it - the reception was awful) then spent most of the afternoon trying to get a signal on Mom's wireless laptop. It was very cozy out on the screened-in porch with the stereo playing and lots of cold beer. About mid-afternoon I realized I had not seen Mom's cat Maxie all day. I went into the camper and looked everywhere. The camper is not THAT big, so I thought I would find the cat right away, but I didn't. I remembered that Mom does let him out, so I kept an eye out for him, but sort of forgot about him. Around 4:30 or so, Mom drove up and retrieved a cat bed from her trunk. She said she kept forgetting to get it out. I said, "Well I don't know if you'll need it. You don't seem to have a cat anymore." I then told her how I had noticed the cat missing andhad looked everywhere. She said, "Do you suppose when you closed the sleeper sofa, he was under it?" I couldn't see how there was enough space in there and it seems he would have yelped or something when I closed it. Besides that was about 7 hours ago at this point. We were sitting on the screen porch and she was telling me about her visit to the nursing home and I just jumped up and said, "I have to check the couch!" I ran in with Mom on my heels and we started pulling off the seat cushions and we both heard a small cry. I tipped the bedding part up and there he was. Maxie was NOT a happy camper. At least he wasn't broken. We still can't figure out how he even fit under there with the couch folded up. He must have been as flat as a pancake!

On Tuesday we blundered onto a set for "One Tree Hill" and met with VERY OLD friends. I'll cover that next time.

Time Flies When You Feel Like Roadkill

I thought the reason I was so sluggish during July was that I had a super case of my normal "Summer Sloth." I thought the reason I was wheezing was that I REALLY REALLY needed to stop smoking. I thought I somehow might have gotten a urinary tract infection from the water in my Mom's camper that we weren't supposed to drink or brush our teeth with. I thought my extreme allergy symptoms were from spending a week in 90 degree very moist air and then coming home to 104 degree very dry air. I was wrong about everything.

I contracted what is considered a "rare disease" called Strep B. By "rare" they mean that about 200,000 Americans contract it a year. The vast majority are newborn babies (which I am not) and very old people with compromised immune systems (also not). Guess what the other (tiny) group is? Women who have had gynecological surgery - and this isn't even mentioned on some websites! Yep. That would be me. I had a uterine biopsy on June 27th. So I was just cruising around in the heat all this time growing this very special bacteria which can cause sepsis and meningitis. Because it is such a rare disease and mostly applies to newborns, it took quite a bit of internet research to find much about it. Well anything not just about newborn babies. I'm glad my doctor ran that culture.

So basically I've been sick as a dog since I got back from my trip. It's actually kind of funny that I thought I had three unrelated things wrong with me at the same time, but I'm weird like that. I did choose this time to stop smoking for once and for all though. Not because I'm smart, but because I've barely been able to breathe for several days. It really made me realize how much more I enjoy breathing than smoking. And when you are lying on the couch in a fevered fog, you are not so much thinking about your next cigarette. Beer, yes: cigarettes, no.

I've had two days of very strong antibiotics now and am starting to feel somewhat alive again. Capacity-wise, I'd say I'm at 45% normal. Hopefully I will be at full function soon and can tell my beach stories. Or maybe by then, I'll be on to something else.